We have all heard of the colloquial “less is more,” and that often stands to be the case in contentious divorce when children are involved. Long-winded, accusatory communications with the other parent can push parents to engage in more conflict between them, ultimately diminishing a healthy co-parent relationship. While it may feel more “empowering” to get it off your chest, the end result is often more harm than good. Fortunately, there is light at the end of the tunnel if you are able to use the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.
Brief: Keep your response short and to the point. The more issues/comments that are loaded in the dialogue, the more opportunity there is to fight back. Furthermore, without the long-winded compilation of issues to discuss, parents can remain focused on the important topic without it getting lost in the discussion. Take for example a dialogue concerning a child’s sporting activity. If one parent is asking for the other to take the child to the activity, putting in more information about who took the child last, how much a parent has paid for the activity, who is allowed to be at the activity, etc., only works to cause more friction without getting to the crux of the question: Can you take the child?
Informative: Stick to just the facts. When a parent is able to just keep the dialogue limited to the facts necessary to engage in the dialogue, without certain opinions, threats, or accusatory remarks, there is less room for conflict. Using the child’s sporting activity again, one parent could simply identify the time, place, and other relevant information about the sporting event itself, without getting into a fight about the “other” details. By making accusations regarding the other parent’s supposed awareness of the activity, why the other parent needs to take them, or even negative comments about past attendance at sporting events, this avoids getting an answer to the request and only stokes the other party to address the accusations rather than putting the child first.
Friendly: This is probably the toughest one. We all know the difficulty in communicating with the other parent that you believe is the cause of the problems. There can be a temptation to call out that bad behavior or even “pepper” in some off-hand comments when looking for information or requesting the other parent’s involvement. It is hardly successful in getting the information or request you are seeking when you engage in accusatory or personal attacks on the other parent. However, this does not mean you need to be “best friends.” This is just to engage in a toned-down dialogue so as to ensure you get the information or request necessary. Keep your goal in mind (what you are looking to achieve in your request or dialogue) and understand that getting defensive or in repetitive, un-friendly back-and-forth exchanges will likely not lead to you achieving that goal.
Firm: Be as clear as possible. There is a reason you are engaging in dialogue with the other parent. Ensure that your position is clear and confident. Your intention is to address the facts and not get emotionally tied to a challenge to your position. If the discussion continues beyond your stated position, you do not need to continue to get in a back and forth if your position is made clearly known. Remain level-headed in your request without the need to engage in repetitive, unhelpful dialogue which may lead to endless engagement on the topic.
While it’s not the be all, end all, the BIFF method can be used as a helpful reminder to parents who are often engaged in high-conflict communication. Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. at the High Conflict Institute pioneered the BIFF communication and further information on the topic can be found here.
